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December 22, 2011
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Every Texan
In Austin
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Ghost,
Who lived just North of Sixth Street,
Did NOT!
Ghost hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his family was tight.
Or maybe his strap-on wasn't strapped on just right.
But I think that the reason most probably true...
Was that Ghost was a miserable, lonely old Jew.


But,
Whatever the reason,
His kin or his trolls,
He sat in his office, doubting they had souls.
Sulking all Christmas Eve with a cold frosty gaze
And frowning at jokes about Texas ablaze.
He could swear by the hair on his hat-covered mullet
That they'd soon all shove hambones down their greasy gullet!


"Jesus Christ!" he yelled – his chest swelled and got bigger.
"This is all Barack's fault, that socialist n…umbskull!"
Then he growled to himself, sausage fingers a-drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...


...All Austin's children…
Would wake up bright and early and unwrap all their ponies!
And they'd be converted to fruity-ass bronies! Oh, the bronies! Bronies! Bronies!
That's one thing he hated! The BRONIES! BRONIES! BRONIES!


Then his folks, young and old, would unleash a surprise!
And they'd gift that poor Ghost a mountain of ties!
Nothing but TIES! TIES! TIES! TIES!
And he'd have to act grateful through a layer of lies!
Ghost just getting ties was a thought to despise!


And THEN
They'd do something that cemented his frown!
Every minority in Texas, the black and the brown,
They'd stand with their food stamps, just as Ghost was near snapping.
They'd stand in the street. And they all would start rapping!


They'd rap! And they'd rap!
AND they'd RAP! RAP! RAP! RAP!
And the more that Ghost thought of the ghettofied rap
The more Ghost thought, "This whole Christmas is crap!
"Since I was fourteen I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"


Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GHOST
GOT A PROGNOSTICATION OF AN IDEA!


"I know just what to do!" Ghost planned in his head.
He fetched his white clan robes and dyed them bright red.
And he sipped, and he gulped, and chugged booze through his jaws-
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Santa Claus!"


"All I need is a reindeer..."
Ghost looked all around.
But due to all the scorched earth there were none to be found.
Did that stop that old Jew?"
No! For Ghost simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
And in an plan that could only be blamed on cheap beer,
Tied a full set of antlers to the poor Engineer.


THEN
He loaded some sacks
That once held all his cans
Tied Engie to a sleigh
And assembled his plans.


Then Ghost said, "Getemoff!"
And the sleigh started sliding
Toward the city of Austin
Where Ghost's Christmas was hiding.


All of Sixth Street was dark. Not a sound filled the air.
All of Texas was dreaming sweet dreams without care
But first, he detoured toward the west coast
To someone who's Christmas needed stealing the most
"Let me just do this first," That mean Ghostie Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.


Then he slid down the chimney – not too quickly though -
For Ghost had more than a pot-belly on show.
He got stuck a few times, and was cursing and swearing
And almost ripped the red robes he was wearing
He fell out the fireplace with the grace of a seal
And widened his eyes at the volume to steal!


Then he got to his feet and he started to shift,
Every box! Every package! Every present and gift!
Even though by his logic it was just for young boys
He gathered hundreds and hundreds of Transformers toys!
And he packed up those can-sacks. Then Ghost, like a sleuth,
Snuck all the bags, one by one, to the roof!


Then he slunk to the kitchen. He took ice cream cones!
He took the fajitas! He took the hambones!
He cleaned out their freezer as quick as a flash.
Why, that Ghost even stole from the hash stash!


Then he stuffed all these things up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" gasped out Ghost, "I will stuff up the tree!"


And Ghost grabbed the tree, and he gave it his all
When the stench of cheap tacos wafted down from the hall.
He turned around fast, and he came into view…
Washed up Goofy Boo, I.Q. no more than two.


Ghost had been caught out by this lame little cunt
Who'd got out of bed for a puff of a blunt.
He stuttered and said, "Ghost, what the fuck?
"Have you come by to tell me those dumb Raiders suck?


Now even though Ghost was getting quite old
Just the sight of this pedo raised his rage hundred-fold
"That Tzeki was right!" the fake Santy Claus yelled,
"My tolerance of you is no longer upheld!
"I've had more than enough of your bean-and-cheese show!
"If I can't end your broadcast then you'll have to go!"


And he reached for his strap-on but instead grabbed his gun
And unleashed Texan fury as hot as the Sun.
And when Goofy was left in a heap on the floor,
Shoved the tree up the chimney and came back for more!


Then the last thing he took
Were some lame old CDs.
Then up through the chimney he went with a squeeze.
Before resting up top after starting to wheeze.


And the one final thing
That he left in the shack
Was Goofy's ego (That wouldn't fit in the sack).


Then
He zipped back to Austin
And cleared out the city


Leaving nothing at all
Without a shadow of pity!


And as the sun rose...
All of Austin, still in bed
Not a Texan was stirring…
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ponies! The coffee!
The toys! And the tacos! The trees and the toffee!


Then he made Engineer give that old sled a drag
To the roof of his office to stash his long night of swag!
"I did it!" yelled Ghost, at a quarter to nine
"I'm a capitalist, moochers, and Christmas is mine!
"They're just waking up! Both the po' and the rich!
"They'll walk down to breakfast in Abercrombie and Fich
"And those lamers and losers will all cry like a bitch!"


"That's a noise," grumbled Ghost,
"That I just cannot miss!"
And then Ghost cupped his ear with a lizard-like hiss.


And in a rare moment of pure, clear sobriety...
Ghost could hear carols
Of the welfare variety!
It couldn't be so!
But this was society!


He stared down at Austin!
And he couldn't believe!
Ghost gasped!
What he saw he just couldn't conceive!


Every Texan in Austin, of all colours and races,
Was rapping! With looks of pure joy on their faces!
He HADN'T kept Christmas away!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!


And then Ghost, with his jelly-ass up on the roof
Stood ranting and raging: "This can't be the truth!"
"It came without splices! It came without scrollers!
"It came without remixes, besmirching or trollers!"
And he raged for three hours, `till his nose was bright red.
Then Ghost got a brainwave and shakily said:
"This holiday is strange, but to me it now feels
"That Christmas is a time…for socialist ideals!"


And what happened then...?
Well...in the markets they say
That the Hasbro stock prices
Quadrupled that day!
And the minute his liver didn't feel quite so ill,
He whizzed with his sled and an air of goodwill!
And he brought back the food stamps! And the government phones!
And he...


...HE HIMSELF...!
Ghost carved the hambone!
A twist on the Christmas classic, starring a cast of everyone's favourite True Capitalist Radio characters.

Feel free to use this Edgar Allan Trolling as you wish, but giving credit would be nice (:

A milky-licking Christmas to all readers, and a capitalizing New Year!
:icontonaga2064:
Tonaga2064 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
YAY
Reply
:icondrhotelmario:
DrHotelMario Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Filmographer
Beautifully written!
Reply
:icongshowguy:
gshowguy Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2012
"You're a hambone, Mr. Ghost..."

Great story, BTW! Try and get Ghost to read this and make him rage hard!
Reply
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